It's been a while since I've bothered to update. I only occasionally think about sad things now, possibly my life has improved since JH and I broke up. Strangely, we're still friends. I find that incredibly odd.

I don't think of myself is particularly lonely, you know. I think of myself as strong, but maybe that's wrong.

I'm afraid of online dating. Is that silly? Or is it an innate fear of rejection? I don't know, but I've been under a lot of stress lately, thanks to MR's health going south, my mom needing constant attention, and my best friends getting married. Exhausting. I wish they WOULDN'T get married, because I'm SELFISH. Not that I'm IN love with either of my best friends, but their getting married creates problems for me.

I have this feeling I will stop talking to them after they're wed. JGM doesn't THINK so, but wtf does JGM know? JGM has tried hard to maintain a balance between SEW and I that's impossible to hold. We're too alike/different. ZBS says that SEW is just jealous of me. How is that possible?

I think about things like Do I want to Settle Down? God, not really. The thought of children repulses me. I loathe rug rats. I mean, I SUPPOSE I could get used to having them around, but the concept repulses me. Ah, I fear I'm a freak.

But the fellow who wanted to marry me is going be at this wedding. Even more intersting, he's just had a kid. I'm happy for him, because that's what HE'S always wanted. I just wanted to escape this place.

Ha ha... no luck yet, and I won't have any until my mother dies. I don't wish her death, but I seriously wish she would just... MOVE from this place. Again, terribly selfish... but the moment she does, I will leave this state and NEVER return. I swear on everything I personally have ever held holy, I will NEVER return to this town.

It can't BE selfish, can it? I'm putting my own dreams on hold just to take care of and humor my mother. I want to be more selfish. But my mother has no one else BUT me. Ah, so sad, so sad.

Well, I suppose all things occur for a reason.

I was thinking recently that perhaps all the time I spent AWAY from this place was exactly what I was supposed to do, and now... I'm supposed to settle. Settle for what I can get.

But if this is all I can get... what's there to look forward to?

AH, I'm being friggin' melancholy. Not really my intention. Hah... but sitting in a bar by myself, drinking Long Island Ice Tea and typing on a laptop is hardly the vision of healthy mind, is it? Oh well. Maybe I'll get some writing done.

It's a lonely monday...

I am bored.